It has Never felt so Good being Angry
Last year, right before Christmas, I fell out with a friend. It was the most remarkable experience for me. I have fallen out with friends in the past sometimes in a dramatic way and sometimes we just drifted apart slowly. This time was different because of the manner in which it happened. I had just been visiting a friend’s art show and afterwards everyone seemed to congregate in the nearby pub. I don’t drink alcohol very much as a general rule because of my health and the medication I am taking but this night was different. All of a sudden I saw them from an outsiders perspective. I started to get even more irritated with all the nonsense. I had a drink and got slightly more irritated.It was as if I saw people who I thought were my friends in a new light. Superficial, boring and ridiculous. I had another drink. I think at this point I was ready to leave when a ‘friend’ drops a nasty comment my way. All of sudden, my control and protection mechanisms disappear. You see, I get bad cataplexic attacks when I get angry. The only, environment I have felt safe enough to allow myself to feel this type of anger has been and still is at home and it’s normally my partner who is involved and it’s normally about some ridiculous domestic issue. Or, not because I just tend to drop to the floor before I get the opportunity to say a word…
This time, I got really angry and loud in public!!!! It felt amazing and liberating! I haven’t been able to shout at anyone like that since I was 13-14 years old without collapsing. I felt really proud of myself afterwards.
3 years ago I tried getting angry in a group therapy psyche drama group but it really didn’t work. I could only be angry or try to be angry with abstracts, not a person or an event or anything in particular. The whole episode was quite funny when I think about it in retrospect. There I stand with a hitting device made of out a piece of hose hitting a table that has been covered with rugs trying to experience anger, and trying desperately to be able to allow myself to feel angry, but failing miserably. Where was Woody Allen? (lol)
I behaved badly and so did my friend. I apologised after wards whereas she is still sulking. If she doesn’t apologise she is worse a friend than I realised, and everything I experienced that evening in terms of superficiality was completely real.
I think I have written about this before. As you go through change your friends won’t necessarily stay with you because what once was a friendship was not based on the real you.
Real friends won’t leave your side.
Read more on cataplexy here: Patient UK on Cataplexy